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Body Betrayal
What does it mean to feel betrayed by your body when you live with chronic illness?
The person I was before my diagnosis with trigeminal neuralgia (TN) feels like a version of myself from a parallel universe. That version of myself is fearless and tireless; she is disciplined and hyper-productive. She never stops. That portrait is in sharp contrast to who I am now — a woman who is no less disciplined or ambitious, but who lives with constant, disruptive pain. A woman in need of a different pace.
The bridge between who I was “before” and who I am “after” is paved with my fragmented self-esteem. Because chronic illness breaks down your confidence. It dissolves who you believe you are and challenges your sense of self, and you are then forced to recreate yourself into someone wholly unexpected.
Shouldering shame
Not enough people talk about this.
There is a cloak of shame veiling the chronic illness experience. This shame is borne from a new set of limitations and needs that the chronically ill need to be mindful of and which the world isn’t sensitive to. Because chronic illness is often invisible, we live in a world where the chronically ill are not fully believed or supported. Such dismissal reinforces the breakdown in self-esteem that illness itself instigates. This leads to a self-destructive cycle of questioning worthiness.
And this is shame at its worst.
Chronic illness is already isolating and can be quite lonely, so judgment and a lack of empathy isolates the chronically ill — people like myself — even further. I want what everyone wants: to be seen and heard, especially when I need to voice those aspects of my experience that affects how I see myself and how I interact with the world.
Perhaps if the world understood that better, people living with chronic illness could start rebuilding who we are without shame.
Crumbling sense of self
Can you imagine living in a body that is a consistent betrayer of everything you thought you knew about yourself and your illness? This insecurity is at the heart of what it means to live with chronic illness. I want to accept, forgive, love, honor, and trust my body, but that is juxtaposed against all the…
