Member-only story
Slow Down
Chronic illness has taught me about the distinction between limitation and weakness.
I’ve been the girl with a fat day planner, each day notable for its laundry list of to-dos, all of them seemingly urgent. I’ve heard the near-panic call to get everything done, not allowing myself to see low-ranking items as any less important than high-priority ones.
For a long time, there was no room to slow down; there was only the need to pick up a heaving, gasping pace. I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform, and though it produced results, it also created a long stretch of nonstop stress and anxiety. Although I knew this wasn’t a sustainable way to work — or live — I continued anyway.
What changed everything was chronic illness.
Hindsight is always 20/20
Looking back now, I have no idea how I did everything I used to do. It’s like watching myself in a trippy movie on fast-forward. Though part of me marvels at what I used to get done in a day, the other part of me is mostly horrified at the degree to which I neglected my health and wellness. I know I believed that attending my annual doctors’ appointments and getting regular exercise and eating a balanced diet was enough, but there’s something both passive and punitive about how I followed these practices.
